Thursday, January 12, 2012

Emotionally Sentimental

That is me. Emotionally Sentimental. I don't know, maybe it's just part of our blood to be emotional and sentimental at the same time or maybe because I just have to go through a lot for the consecutive days, weeks or I mean months.

I think I have gone through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and back to Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and the cycle goes on and on for the last six months. It never reached Acceptance, that's why probably it's just unending loop. The worst of which happened on my 25th birthday (December 18, 2011).

Flash back:

Probably, a month before my birthday, I was very excited for that day cause I have my plane tickets for Cebu and I was set to celebrate it grand as according to Mama I've reached a quarter of a century and that calls for a big celebration. Although I probably be missing the usual and the surprise my friends in Manila used to do, I still look forward of spending and celebrating birthday with loved ones. Friends understand. At the back of my mind, maybe this will also be the day that Bryan would make a way to win me back. That was really my mind set. I was hoping at the same time I didn't know, I was in denial.

As that's the only weekend that I could visit home (cause I chose it over the Christmas or the New Year's), I was really set to make it memorable. My mother ordered a big drum of DIC (dirty Ice cream), a videoke machine, cake and we'll have lechon. My flight to Cebu was December 15, prior to that I had lots of parties to attend to from the office, to SFC and to the Le Sure girls very own party. So the first half of December was full of hope , excitement and joy.

A week before i was set to go home, Mama and I had this conversation on how's everything, our plans and all when she had a slip of tongue and so I forced her to continue what she was about to say. It was about Bryan according to the story my cousin who happened to know a colleague of his. My cousin not knowing perhaps that he and I split up said to the colleague something like, "hey that's Bryan, he is my cousin's boyfriend". To which the colleague raised an eyebrow and replied, "Bryan, his girlfriend is a Korean". That hurts.

It hurts to hear it from Mama. It hurts knowing that Mama was hurt too cause I know she had loved and accepted him to our family already. It hurts because that's the first time I heard he was link to someone else. I just said to Mama to give the man a benefit of the doubt at the same time, we have broken up so he is free but really my heart was like hit by a dagger and I started crying silently to not let my mother know but she knew I was. It was like being broken hearted for the nth times already and it was sad cause it was just like a day before, i said to myself after hearing a mass that I shall wait rejoicely. I shall wait until he comes to me again. I shall wait for him yet still after hearing that I am still willing to wait.

Finally the day has come that I flew to Cebu on a Thursday morning. Titing fetched me at the airport with his new multicab and newly acquired driving skills. Later that day, Mama and Ate came so we could shop for the needs of the incoming birthday/fiesta celebration. Ate pointed that Mama's legs are already swelling (nanghupong/namamanas) which concerns us but Mama said it will just be fine.

Came the 17th of December, we had mass in our chapel but Mama already was not feeling well so wasn't able to attend. We invited the priest to Ate's house after the mass to eat then I really thought of bringing the priest to our house to see my mother and bless her and he did. Mama was so happy. I was too. That night, there was a disco and since our house is just beside the basketball court where the disco is, so it was really loud and pumping our house and of course my mother's heart. She asked my brother to bring her somewhere far while she left me with the management of the pork Titing was selling slaughtered from his pigpen.

At midnight, I receive text from Bryan and from friends. I really thought he would surprise me or something but nothing was happening and Mama was not feeling well and I'm losing my patience and I got irritated plus with no sleep. I attended the Simbang Gabi with Yvonne and prayed a lot about Mama's health, my heart and all the many things occupying my mind on my 25th birthday. I was still looking forward on what's  gonna happen.

Mama really was not okay but she kept on telling me she's okay. Visitors are coming in and out. Our cousins were there. early in the afternoon, I went to the marketplace to fetched Kring and Choco, when we came back, neigbors and cousins were all over Mama helping and Ate was already crying so I went to check Mama (my heart was beating fast). There were a lot of people trying to help that I could not really got in. I felt a little pissed off cause it's like people are looking at me as if I don't care on what's happening, hell they just don't know.

I was really devastated at that moment cause my Ate told me that see we shouldn't have this grand preparation and just bring Mama to the hospital. So I told her, I was only doing this to make Mama happy cause that's what she wanted to do. If I had known that they don't like it I would have just not celebrated it at all. But as much as I could I didnt not cry, even though I look like I was the villain. I asked Mama, what is she feeling, should we go to the hospital and she said no we'll wait until the day is over and everything's settled before we leave. So not knowing what to do I just turned my back and cried. Cause I have seen the worse in Mama before. Worse than that attack and she managed, Mama's strong. But at the same time, there is that thought that what if she'd die, shall I live up to the glances of my cousins as if I am the only one who can make the decision so it's like if my mother died I will be to blame. It was really not good.

I went back to Mama again as she was now relaxed, asked her again if should we go now. She said, no we've been through worse and we can make it. After I had send off Kring back to the city, I stayed on my mother side all through out the afternoon until the evening, watching her breathes, assisting her when she coughs and giving her food. It felt better when it was just the 2 of us and I could see she felt better and eben had fallen asleep even with the loud music at the disco.

It was when she fell asleep that I noticed my cake's un-blown candle and I started crying and crying and crying all by myself. It was not a happy birthday. Bryan didn't show up not even dared calling (I was expecting he would surprise me and perhaps propose but no It didn't happen). Mama is not in good shape and I just felt really exhausted and empty to the point that I cannot contain my heart anymore so I went to the basketball court to see the status of the disco and divert my sorrows.

Then here it goes, adding insult to injury: I saw my Ate at the entrance already so sleepy or was sleeping so I told here I'd take over and let her go home to sleep. Few moments later, I was involved in a confrontation with an old drunk man who I refused to let his 1 case of bottled beer inside the court as it was the rule but to my very unhappy birthday, he was calling me names, really felt so small as if I wanted to not exist anymore. I noticed that my my brother-in-law saw that incident and came to me to ask how should he deal with that. I know him as a man willing to kill and by the look on his face, I feared for a big trouble going to happen so when he left I immediately followed him to our house. There I saw him put something under his pants and he already summoned my younger brother who for-God-sake got angry and off went to the disco with some weapon too.

Knowing my brother was more calm than my bro-n-law, I stayed to hold off my bro-n-law and ask my younger bro's gf to follow my bro. Thankfully he went back home. I knew my eldest brother was eldest brother was somewhere the in the court so I asked my niece to fetch his father cause I was afraid that since the companions of those bastards knew my brother, they might take on him.

And here goes my biggest outbreak: when my eldest brother was in our front yard already. I told the 2 (younger bro and bro-n-law) of them to calm down and explained the situation that happened. To my surprise, my eldest brother, the one I expected to be more willing to take on a fight for me was not actually on my side. Worse to it, he was telling me it was my fault why I do such rules, how would people enjoy. (I did not made the rule). It was never really what I expected and in front of him I cried it all out, all my disappointments in him and how he lived his life to the point that our father had died and he was one of the major reason and now with the condition of Mama's heart and still majorly because of his ways. Then he said to me, I should not let my emotions eat me. We (pertaining to all of us with heart problems in the family) will just die with no wounds. That night I lost something for him and said to myself, never will I ever let him hurt us emotionally again.

A very emotionally sentimental birthday then Christmas passed with us in the hospital, I got sick, my relatives both sides got sick, my relationship with my brother, the current status of work, all the calamities happened all over the country and the person I thought would be there for me was missing. The person I was ready to spend the rest of my life left me behind. When we broke up last August, I didn't let go but he did and that's somehow clear to me as of now.

That 2011 really really went bad but here I am hopeful still, I think I finally reached Acceptance. With the new life God gave my mother, my aunts and the new year that came. I just wished 2012 to be good and less drama.