tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10112149749759724612024-03-13T12:37:16.695+08:00hALf bRaiN deADthe other side of the coinROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-63485955850753099532012-10-10T19:00:00.000+08:002012-10-10T19:00:00.509+08:00Die Young<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">For over months now, I've been listening to this song by country singers the Band Perry entitled 'If I die Young' which inspired me to have this post. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">"</span></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE". That is not an understatement nor an exaggeration. That is in fact, a FACT. We are all going to die. For some maybe sooner, for some maybe later.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Life span now adays is shorter than before. I have a grandmother (my grandfather's sister) who is now 105 years old. She still could hear well, could see well and most of all she still know me. I, who was born when she was about to be 80 and that really amazed me. Everytime I see her, I really get to ask her if she knows me and she never failed, not even once to recognize with a Big GRIN.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">While there were those who live long, there are also those that die young. My father died at 54. My aunt and mother died at 59. Well, it's already a long life but it seems so short for me. There are those many that die young and I used to think when I was still a child that I'll die at 21.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">What if I die at 21? Hahaha, I found myself asking. Then I start retracking backwards of my life. And I'll sigh and then smile. I could have missed a lot of things. I could have missed a lot of significant things that made me grateful for who I am today.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">But the idea of thinking I'll die young made me that someone who treats everybody as if it's the last, that's the better side of it. It made me seize every day I have. It made me grateful. But since I surpass that 21-death mark, I almost forgot about living everyday. There were lots of worries, pressure, problems, sorrows and a big wave of of a roller-coaster ride of emotions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Now I want to think again that I'll die young, maybe 30 or less. That way, I'll be able to go back to that "Carpi Diem" thinking cause for me:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">"If we learn how to die and dying young, we'll learn how to live and start living."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">~~~XOXO</span></div>
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ROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-25387073754741070702012-02-08T21:31:00.002+08:002012-02-08T21:40:02.208+08:00fiFtY-niNeIn memory of:<br />
Amonio Hortelano Cinco.<br />
Michaela Hortelano Inso.<br />
Narcisa Cinco Tarucan.<br />
<br />
Requescant in Pace.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">These names above, they are dear to me and they have gone to rest already. Respectively, they are my uncle, aunt and mother. The common thing in them aside from their parents is the reason the die due to heart failure. It's in the family I guess or I believe.<br />
<br />
Ti Mony, as how Mama called him, although I have not met him personally has been a dear brother to my mother. I would always remember that every novena we do, Mama never fail to pray for his soul. His family lived in Leyte but I have met my cousins. When he died, Mama together went to Tacloban for the funeral and burial and brought some photos back. That's what I can remember of him. He died of heart attack at 59.<br />
<br />
Tiya Guela, she was a teacher. She was the nearest sibling to my mother as they live just one town away from us. I would remember me afraid of her because I thought she was very strict but Mama would always tell me to be close, bless the hands and mingle. I knew as sisters they love each other very much and Mama also treat her children like her own. I remember a photo of me when I was a kid sitting on a chair in Tiya's house. We, cousins have became close to each other too through the years. I went to her funeral and it was attended by a lot of people. She died of heart attack at 59.<br />
<br />
Mama Narcing or Ma Asing, she is my beloved mother. The one where I got my looks as people would tell me that I am the carbon copy. She is a simple housewife and took cared of us her 6 children. To be able to help Papa in our livelihood, she opened a Sari-sari store before. She did not finish high school but modesty aside, she was intelligent. She was the one who taught our neighbors many thing. She once became a barangay councilor and a member of the credit committee of the cooperative of our town. She was a cathecist. She is not just the typical mother, she was my friend and a shoulder I could lean on. She was a strong woman who has been through a lot but kept on fighting. She died of heart attack at 59<br />
<br />
<br />
I promised Mama, we would prepare a big celebration for her debut (60th birthday) on October 29, 2012. I know she was excited about this. I know she was fighting just to reach that milestone. I was excited for her too because that would mean she would break the record of her other 2 elder siblings who both died at 59. <br />
But she did not made it, she did not fail I'm sure. It's that,her journey was made only until 59. <br />
<br />
SAD! It is sad. we were almost there and she was okay or we thought she was. On her deathbed, she didn't even call for help. Not from any of her 6 children. That's how she loved us. She and Papa (at 54) died not on our sight. Not with the pain of seeing them in their last breathes. It is pain of missing them and not being able to do the things we wanna do together and not being able to see what I still could become and I don't know for how long this pain will be here but their memories. The memories of them lives in me, in all the people the have touched and the values they taught and their legacy lives on.<br />
<br />
I do not know if I'd be able to reach 59 but I'll continue the journey until the day we'll see each other again in heaven and we'll be together again. <br />
Lastly, Kudos to all of you for a job well done on earth. <br />
I MISS YOU<br />
<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Also in the loving memory of:<br />
Maria Hortelano Cinco (Lola Biyay)<br />
Fidel Gregorio Perez Cinco (Lolo Gorio)<br />
Benita Gulben Tarucan (Lola Benita)<br />
Rogato Maupo Tarucan (Lolo Gatong)<br />
and<br />
Cresenciano Gulben Tarucan (Papa Ciano)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">~~~</div>ROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-83245757251657072522012-02-08T19:51:00.001+08:002012-02-08T20:01:26.941+08:00I Dreamt of YaziIt was only after the 13th day after Mama passed away that I was able to have a glimpse of her. I did not have any hint or clue or feeling that on the 25th of January 2012, she will leave us. I wanted to see her as soon as I knew about it. I wanted to feel her, even just her soul. I wanted to hug her once more even just in a dream or even just in my hallucinations but no.<br />
<br />
At her wake, I almost didn't sleep waiting for her to appear and tell me everything will be fine and she is happy but still I couldnt feel her not even a single goosebump, not even in the wind or the scents of the people passing by. Oh how much I miss her, it makes me wanna cry more but no I can't cry hard enough.<br />
<br />
Even at the last glance of her dead body, I was hoping she would talk to me but no even up to the moment where we have bury her just right beside Papa's tomb where she always wanted to be. I know she is in a happier place and away from all the pain and suffering but we still have lots of dreams together. Oh Mama, I love you so much. I'm gonna miss you.I'm hoping and praying that finally you and Papa have met in heaven.<br />
<br />
On the 7th of February or the 13th day after her passing away, I had this dream. It was not about her but she was there. It was about Yazi - a baby girl in my dream. That baby was mine, my own daughter. I was carrying Yazi. We were on a shed with some people and Mama was one in them. Then, a man asked "Where did Yazi got her looks?" Before, I was able to answer, Mama said "Can't you see her forehead, isn't it just like mine?" and everyone nodded as if to agree.<br />
<br />
I really don't know how to interpret the dream. May it be Mama's way of telling me that she will always be around for me til forever. And what does baby Yazi mean? I really don't know.<br />
<br />
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Maybe it was her assurance to me, that whatever will be, she is always with me. I actually tried looking thru the internet the meaning of the name Yazi and here's few of the few I found:<br />
<ul><li>The name of <b>Yazi</b> gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature. </li>
<li>You prefer to be alone with your own thoughts, rather than in the company of others. </li>
<li>This name restricts spontaneity in association and the fluency of your verbal expression. </li>
<li>When you are required to express yourself in personal matters requiring finesse and diplomacy, you feel awkward and embarrassed. </li>
<li>Although you realize perfectly well what is expected of you, you are unable to find the right words, and hence you end up saying something inappropriate in a candid way. </li>
<li>You can express your deeper thoughts and feelings best through writing. </li>
<li>While the name <b>Yazi</b> creates the urge to be creative, independent and original, we point out that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a tendency to be moody.</li>
</ul><br />
The one thing I'm sure of right now is that if I'd be given a daughter one day, I will name her Rose Hyacinth just like my blog name and I shall call her "Yazi" and when she gets old she will be called Azing or Asing just like her Lola (my Mama Asing).<br />
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<br />
x.o.x.o<br />
ROseHYAcinthROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-60165260978683361482012-02-08T18:45:00.000+08:002012-02-08T18:45:39.871+08:00L-O-S-TI wanted to write all of these out from me until I'm drained. I really don't know how to describe my state as of the moment. I'm BLANK. Floating? Empty? Lost!<br />
<br />
Everything seems to be vague. I am frozen. I miss her so much, my inspiration, motivator, bestfriend, textmate, mother. The wind beneath my wings.<br />
<br />
I still could not believe she's gone now but I accept she is and understand she is in good Hands now.<br />
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It's just that I don't know where to start again.<br />
<br />
Beloved Mama,<br />
<br />
You will always be the wind that will let me fly. I know someday I'll regain that strength and soar high. But now this is my cry, i miss you, i love you even if you could not hear these words anymore. I'm gonna love you til the end and I will never ever forget to remember you. You - the wind beneath my wings.<br />
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Ging-gingROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-60337489270959198062012-01-12T05:08:00.000+08:002012-01-12T05:08:06.026+08:00Emotionally SentimentalThat is me. Emotionally Sentimental. I don't know, maybe it's just part of our blood to be emotional and sentimental at the same time or maybe because I just have to go through a lot for the consecutive days, weeks or I mean months.<br />
<br />
I think I have gone through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and back to Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and the cycle goes on and on for the last six months. It never reached Acceptance, that's why probably it's just unending loop. The worst of which happened on my 25th birthday (December 18, 2011). <br />
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Flash back:<br />
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Probably, a month before my birthday, I was very excited for that day cause I have my plane tickets for Cebu and I was set to celebrate it grand as according to Mama I've reached a quarter of a century and that calls for a big celebration. Although I probably be missing the usual and the surprise my friends in Manila used to do, I still look forward of spending and celebrating birthday with loved ones. Friends understand. At the back of my mind, maybe this will also be the day that Bryan would make a way to win me back. That was really my mind set. I was hoping at the same time I didn't know, I was in denial.<br />
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As that's the only weekend that I could visit home (cause I chose it over the Christmas or the New Year's), I was really set to make it memorable. My mother ordered a big drum of DIC (dirty Ice cream), a videoke machine, cake and we'll have lechon. My flight to Cebu was December 15, prior to that I had lots of parties to attend to from the office, to SFC and to the Le Sure girls very own party. So the first half of December was full of hope , excitement and joy.<br />
<br />
A week before i was set to go home, Mama and I had this conversation on how's everything, our plans and all when she had a slip of tongue and so I forced her to continue what she was about to say. It was about Bryan according to the story my cousin who happened to know a colleague of his. My cousin not knowing perhaps that he and I split up said to the colleague something like, "hey that's Bryan, he is my cousin's boyfriend". To which the colleague raised an eyebrow and replied, "Bryan, his girlfriend is a Korean". That hurts.<br />
<br />
It hurts to hear it from Mama. It hurts knowing that Mama was hurt too cause I know she had loved and accepted him to our family already. It hurts because that's the first time I heard he was link to someone else. I just said to Mama to give the man a benefit of the doubt at the same time, we have broken up so he is free but really my heart was like hit by a dagger and I started crying silently to not let my mother know but she knew I was. It was like being broken hearted for the nth times already and it was sad cause it was just like a day before, i said to myself after hearing a mass that I shall wait rejoicely. I shall wait until he comes to me again. I shall wait for him yet still after hearing that I am still willing to wait. <br />
<br />
Finally the day has come that I flew to Cebu on a Thursday morning. Titing fetched me at the airport with his new multicab and newly acquired driving skills. Later that day, Mama and Ate came so we could shop for the needs of the incoming birthday/fiesta celebration. Ate pointed that Mama's legs are already swelling (nanghupong/namamanas) which concerns us but Mama said it will just be fine.<br />
<br />
Came the 17th of December, we had mass in our chapel but Mama already was not feeling well so wasn't able to attend. We invited the priest to Ate's house after the mass to eat then I really thought of bringing the priest to our house to see my mother and bless her and he did. Mama was so happy. I was too. That night, there was a disco and since our house is just beside the basketball court where the disco is, so it was really loud and pumping our house and of course my mother's heart. She asked my brother to bring her somewhere far while she left me with the management of the pork Titing was selling slaughtered from his pigpen.<br />
<br />
At midnight, I receive text from Bryan and from friends. I really thought he would surprise me or something but nothing was happening and Mama was not feeling well and I'm losing my patience and I got irritated plus with no sleep. I attended the Simbang Gabi with Yvonne and prayed a lot about Mama's health, my heart and all the many things occupying my mind on my 25th birthday. I was still looking forward on what's gonna happen.<br />
<br />
Mama really was not okay but she kept on telling me she's okay. Visitors are coming in and out. Our cousins were there. early in the afternoon, I went to the marketplace to fetched Kring and Choco, when we came back, neigbors and cousins were all over Mama helping and Ate was already crying so I went to check Mama (my heart was beating fast). There were a lot of people trying to help that I could not really got in. I felt a little pissed off cause it's like people are looking at me as if I don't care on what's happening, hell they just don't know.<br />
<br />
I was really devastated at that moment cause my Ate told me that see we shouldn't have this grand preparation and just bring Mama to the hospital. So I told her, I was only doing this to make Mama happy cause that's what she wanted to do. If I had known that they don't like it I would have just not celebrated it at all. But as much as I could I didnt not cry, even though I look like I was the villain. I asked Mama, what is she feeling, should we go to the hospital and she said no we'll wait until the day is over and everything's settled before we leave. So not knowing what to do I just turned my back and cried. Cause I have seen the worse in Mama before. Worse than that attack and she managed, Mama's strong. But at the same time, there is that thought that what if she'd die, shall I live up to the glances of my cousins as if I am the only one who can make the decision so it's like if my mother died I will be to blame. It was really not good.<br />
<br />
I went back to Mama again as she was now relaxed, asked her again if should we go now. She said, no we've been through worse and we can make it. After I had send off Kring back to the city, I stayed on my mother side all through out the afternoon until the evening, watching her breathes, assisting her when she coughs and giving her food. It felt better when it was just the 2 of us and I could see she felt better and eben had fallen asleep even with the loud music at the disco.<br />
<br />
It was when she fell asleep that I noticed my cake's un-blown candle and I started crying and crying and crying all by myself. It was not a happy birthday. Bryan didn't show up not even dared calling (I was expecting he would surprise me and perhaps propose but no It didn't happen). Mama is not in good shape and I just felt really exhausted and empty to the point that I cannot contain my heart anymore so I went to the basketball court to see the status of the disco and divert my sorrows.<br />
<br />
Then here it goes, adding insult to injury: I saw my Ate at the entrance already so sleepy or was sleeping so I told here I'd take over and let her go home to sleep. Few moments later, I was involved in a confrontation with an old drunk man who I refused to let his 1 case of bottled beer inside the court as it was the rule but to my very unhappy birthday, he was calling me names, really felt so small as if I wanted to not exist anymore. I noticed that my my brother-in-law saw that incident and came to me to ask how should he deal with that. I know him as a man willing to kill and by the look on his face, I feared for a big trouble going to happen so when he left I immediately followed him to our house. There I saw him put something under his pants and he already summoned my younger brother who for-God-sake got angry and off went to the disco with some weapon too.<br />
<br />
Knowing my brother was more calm than my bro-n-law, I stayed to hold off my bro-n-law and ask my younger bro's gf to follow my bro. Thankfully he went back home. I knew my eldest brother was eldest brother was somewhere the in the court so I asked my niece to fetch his father cause I was afraid that since the companions of those bastards knew my brother, they might take on him.<br />
<br />
And here goes my biggest outbreak: when my eldest brother was in our front yard already. I told the 2 (younger bro and bro-n-law) of them to calm down and explained the situation that happened. To my surprise, my eldest brother, the one I expected to be more willing to take on a fight for me was not actually on my side. Worse to it, he was telling me it was my fault why I do such rules, how would people enjoy. (I did not made the rule). It was never really what I expected and in front of him I cried it all out, all my disappointments in him and how he lived his life to the point that our father had died and he was one of the major reason and now with the condition of Mama's heart and still majorly because of his ways. Then he said to me, I should not let my emotions eat me. We (pertaining to all of us with heart problems in the family) will just die with no wounds. That night I lost something for him and said to myself, never will I ever let him hurt us emotionally again.<br />
<br />
A very emotionally sentimental birthday then Christmas passed with us in the hospital, I got sick, my relatives both sides got sick, my relationship with my brother, the current status of work, all the calamities happened all over the country and the person I thought would be there for me was missing. The person I was ready to spend the rest of my life left me behind. When we broke up last August, I didn't let go but he did and that's somehow clear to me as of now.<br />
<br />
That 2011 really really went bad but here I am hopeful still, I think I finally reached Acceptance. With the new life God gave my mother, my aunts and the new year that came. I just wished 2012 to be good and less drama.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
x.o.x.oROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-37996490798245406842011-07-26T02:53:00.000+08:002011-07-26T02:53:06.741+08:00I am...<div class="deleteBody"><h2 class="postTitle" style="color: #666666;">My name is...</h2><div class="postBody" style="color: #777777;">Rohya, translated in english as fat. That is F-A-T, i guess i just meant to be rohya at all. hehe. The name was uniquely created by my late beloved father, that is why I’m proud I have it. Though its rare and Muslim sounding, i appreciate the beauty of its creation. Here is the story:<br />
When I was still in my mother’s womb, she was thinking of naming me “Glyness” (an equally unique name). However during labor time, when my father needs to register my name, he gave me Rohya instead. At the time my mother heard my name, she actually was shocked and felt dizzy (hahaha) because according to her the name is ugly. hmmmm. So since she can do nothing at all, she said “Ok, I guess we just have to live with it”. ( hmmmm).<br />
According to my dear father, my name is woven from the last letters of my siblings’ names. I am the 5th child, that would make 4 letters from my siblings’ names. R from CresnaR (eldest bro), O from RodeliO (the one I followed), let’s leave H for a while, Y from CherrY (2nd eldest, eldest sis) and A from MariettA (3rd child).<br />
Aside from that, a bonus trivia, my name also is an incidentally combination of the syllables of my grandparents name (Lolo ROgato Papa’s father and Lola Maria (sounding “YA”) Mama’s mother). By the way, these two grandparents were the grandparents I have who are still alive when I was born (sadly the both passed away Lola died when I was in grade 4 and Lolo when i was in 2nd year college). So ROYA was formed, from combinations (see how creative my father was) super!<br />
My name is spelled R-O-H-Y-A which is by the way usually mispelled by people as Rhoya. Notice the letter ‘H’, that plays a big role there. So why did a letter H became part of that combo name ROYA? Well, the answer is the one which made me so happy with my name, the reason why my mother accepted the “ugly name”, the reason why I value my name.<br />
The letter H was placed in the the center of my combo name making ROYA a ROHYA. To serve as a division of the masculine and the feminine (if you might see the RO represents masculine names (from my brothers and lolo), the same goes with YA for the feminine (from my sisters and lola), the beauty of how equally represented the ADAM and EVE in me. The wisdom of a man and the transforming power of a woman, I just find it very inspiring, the beauty of the creation of my name just as like nature loves symmetry.<br />
Why H? Simply because H sounds like that, not so obvious but there. H according to the explaination they gave me stands actually for HEART, that’s why it is at the middle. The division it creates, is actually the division it links. Heart unites man and woman, basically the reason why I exist of course with God’s plan. My father sought the heart of my mother. More than that, they placed an H there to remind me to have that heart that they want me to be.<br />
While writing this, my imagination soar high and low, of the memories I have from the significant people who became part and are always of my story. To my siblings, my parents, their parents and God, I commend YOU for giving me a beatiful name, a beautiful story that doesnt end here.<br />
In addition to that wonderful name story that I greatly appreciate. About 4 months ago, a friend of mine (you know who you are) so genius to think of a possible combination of my name (not knowing the real story). He thought that my name was combined from two flowers. I was really amused when he told me because,never had I thought of that and he was able to think of that. He is just a genius (which by the way according to facebook, he has a cyborg brain). So, he gave me this — ROHYA = ROse + HYAcinth and i really love it.<br />
<br />
My name is just a wonderful proof of how wonderfully and uniquely created I am. My name is ROHYA and I am ME.<br />
<br />
—rohya </div></div>ROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-70505550178403332342011-07-26T02:51:00.002+08:002011-07-26T02:51:44.575+08:00Name Names<h2 class="postTitle" style="color: #666666;">ALIAS</h2><div class="postBody" style="color: #777777;">I am fond of giving other people names as much as I am fond when people give me special name. Of course, I am greatly, overly and undoubtedly satisfied with my beautiful name (see link for a related post 'http://rohyatarucan.blogspot.com/2009/09/reposting-my-name-is.html') but it makes me feel closer to a person when we have this so-called terms of endearment (not at all times for romantic reasons). This just levels up the relationship when we have pet names or shall I say aliases. <br />
<br />
This realm started when I was in the excitement about the GLORY of the BYLINE during my journalism days in high school. I was a part of the school paper back, the copyreader in my junior year and the editor-in-chief in my senior year. Honestly, I was not the best writer then. It was hard for me to lead somehow but I made it and that was something I'm proud of. That was when I learned about having a pen name. My pen name was Hannah Cinco. Why? Because it is a palindrome (hannah), it gives me a little more of literature and I just love the name. Cinco is my mother's maiden name. and that's how it started. <br />
High school years, oh my high years, every memory is fun (kay saya). (laughs). It is the time where one should identify oneself and belong to a group (some to mention are the socialites, nice guys, the neirds, the weirds, the mvp's, the shy's, the rebels and the one of everything group). I belong to the last one, the diversified group and we had barkada tawagan too. There was 'star', 'babe', 'sweetheart', 'sweetipie', 'darling' and I was 'honey'. We'll maybe because I had a boyfriend I called honey (mr vash the stampede) because I was hannah. Also, I had an admirer who fondly called me 'magnetic eyes' (laughs) while he asked me to addressed him my 'sweet lion'. Whatever! Memories! <br />
Life's constant thing is change. Some people come and some go. In my college years, well not in he first year yet but later, amazingly I was able to continue that realm. We were few in our course (as said to be a tough one - Applied Physics it was and indeed) so we were really bonded. I have endearment terms for almost all of them. I have 'Brad', 'Babe', 'Ga', 'D', 'Gam', 'Dai or Hon', 'Freeze', 'Rain', 'Judy Abott', 'Krung2' and 'Bes'. The next relationship I entered we call each other 'ate' and 'kuya'. I've been an 'Angel' to someone. <br />
Surely, this give me distinction to each and every person important to me. To my mother I am her 'only hope' while I call her my 'wind beneath my wings'. And like some of my nephews and nieces call me 'yaya', 'antie', 'hantie', 'ma ante'and I am always 'ging-ging' to my family, relatives and close elementary friends. I am 'Roi' in the office or with some of my housemates now. In addidtion, I am 'R' to my 'Dee' housemate while I'm 'Roying' to my 'Aning'. (laughs - typhoons!!!). Somebody even calls me 'engineer' even though I'm not, another name is 'Ms. Fire' (like a beauty title huh). <br />
<br />
I am 'dubz' while I call him 'lubz'. He said it was because of the sound of the heartbeat. lubdub. and we were one heartbeat. I am dubzy, he is lubzy. I am mommy, he is daddy. (moments of love) <br />
Now, I proudly present my new pen name (not a pen anymore but a keyboard so is it a keyboard name?), okay, my blogger name. It is ROseHYAcinth in the house because over and above all these sorta names, pen or pet names, endearment or not. Above all the many aliases, within is rohya. no more. no less. <br />
All of these comprise me being R-O-H-Y-A. Again, I am ME. <br />
</div>ROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-8902477250570623042010-08-25T02:33:00.001+08:002010-08-27T03:55:20.414+08:00hALf bRaiN deADI thought I never would have the courage to let you go. I was afraid and I am still afraid of losing you. Yet now, I did it. I'd let you go, set you free. I know I hurt you much but it hurts me too. I know part of this decision is the fear of losing you forever and it breaks my heart to think of it over and over again but my half dead heart and half dead brain are telling me we need to have this and this is the only way to save everything.<br />
<br />
<br />
I know you don't understand me much now. I know you're thinking I'm unfair because I'm being strong. I know you should be angry at me for not considering the sacrifices you have made. But believe me, everything that you do, all the sacrifices, the wait and everything were just among the many things I thought of in making this decision. And I have appreciate every little thing you did. Everything and THANK YOU.<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't know how to explain everything. Honestly, I just can't find the appropriate words to tell you to lessen whatever pain i'm causing you. I'M SORRY. It's been quite some time now since i've been thinking about us. The conditions of our heart and turn of events on our situation. I'm still praying for the right words to tell you or explain to you why I am doing this in a way that you'd understand why'd I've done it. I'm looking forward to show you or prove to you, I am right in doing this cause this will make us better.<br />
<br />
<br />
I really believe that we can conquer this distance, the differences we have because I know we both are faithful to each other. I trust that our feelings for each other is deeper than love. I've said it before and I'll say it again I had a vision of you and me together growing old but the indifferences and coldness we have caused by the gap this long distance relationship has brought are making that vision vague. We need to help each other. This is my way of saving what we have and hopefully someday, soon you'll realize that I'm just doing this because I LOVE YOU.<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm still waiting for the part where boy meets girl, when you meet me halfway, when I meet you halfway...when we grow together and together become better creations of God filled with love and understanding and an unceasing friendship.ROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-25950023044854006802010-07-06T23:08:00.000+08:002010-07-06T23:11:02.981+08:00Stay on Track: a love letterIt seem so shallow but I'm happy that after 3 years, I've learned something new about you today. I never thought we had that same passion and dreams in photography. That was a surprise. I didn't think you'd remember that I hate teaching. I didn't know you love teaching that much no matter how you try to hate it. I didn't know that you gave importance to your students as well no matter how silly they are. I'd never thought you'd comment how ugly my penmanship is and you really insisted it's ugly (I know). I never thought you'd share how you laugh at your students wrong grammar (prettied, strangy etc) and that made me laugh too. I didn't expect you could stay up late again talking with me on the phone and I'd missed that. I never even thought that you'd somehow share your current financial status and how much you hate taxes deduction. I hate it too.<br />
<br />
<br />
I'd never thought I'd know you more and I want to know you better.<br />
<br />
<br />
Di,<br />
<br />
It feels good to talk to you with no arguments at all. That has been an amazing one hour we've ever had. It feels great to feel like this after the call ended. That wasn't the usual where I end up crying after our talks before. That was just different and I like that.<br />
<br />
<br />
This could be a start of something new, of something good. We could start over again.We could make this through, me and you. Just keep doing what you are doing now. One more try for the sake of our love.<br />
<br />
<br />
Let's keep the momentum. I won't lose my grip. Just stay on track. We'll gonna make this through. We can.<br />
<br />
love lots,<br />
MiROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-91073891412298297432010-06-30T02:26:00.000+08:002010-06-30T02:31:02.044+08:00I missed youJune 24, 2010 marked the inevitable 3 years since the last time I saw him (alive) - my beloved Papa - because after 12 days of that last glance, he passed away.<br />
<br />
Definitely, that was one of the toughest moments in my life and of my family. It was sudden. It was sad. It was hard. When I recieved the news that Friday afternoon when I was about to go to Sto. Niño Church, I broke down and cried. Cried not minding, I was in the pathway of our college campus, not minding of the passers by, not minding of the glances of the curious people around. I really cried it all out. That was really the greatest fear of my life and i thought I couldnt handle that.<br />
<br />
<br />
On my way home with my brother, I still could not imagine or accept that it was happening. I tried pinching my skin, slapping my face, tapping my shoulder just to let me woke up from that nightmare. But it was not a bad dream. It was true, the only thing to do was to accept it.<br />
<br />
Upon reaching home, with all the neighbors in our frontyard, seeing our relatives in the sala, going to my mother whom i know was the saddest one that time because beside her was the lifeless body of her beloved husband, I let out one look at my father's face. I tried talking to him with my eyes, telling him "wake up Pa, we're not yet there, we've not reach our dreams yet, wake up!". But those eyes will not open anymore, those mouth wont talk anymore, those arms won't hug me anymore and yet I couldn't cry hard enough. <br />
<br />
I kissed his hand as a sign that I'll always respect him and hugged him big. But of course that was different. Different than that of 12 days ago where he personally cooked for lunch because I was coming home. Twelve days before that - June 24, 2007- exactly one week after the Father's day celebration that year, that weekend among all other weekends where I go to hometown to visit them. It was different because, I was really looking forward of that hometown-visit weekend as I've not gone home for the past 3 weeks since the school year started and i was not home during Father's day. There was that longingness in me not knowing that was actually my last chance of talking to him or seeing him.<br />
<br />
It was not the usual weekend because it is for special occassions only that Papa cooks. His reason was because I was coming home. It was not the usual because he does not hug me to greet me before but that day he greeted me with hug and that is a very big Papa's hug that I know I'll treasure and it's not deletable in my memory. Had I known that it was the last, I could have hugged him back bigger, tighter and longer. I could have said all thank you's and i love you's. Hearing Mariah Carey's "BYE BYE" make me remember him.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">I never knew I could hurt like this</div><div style="text-align: center;">And everyday life goes on like</div><div style="text-align: center;">"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"</div><div style="text-align: center;">Miss you but I try not to cry</div><div style="text-align: center;">As time goes by</div><div style="text-align: center;">And it's true that you've reached a better place</div><div style="text-align: center;">Still I'd give the world to see your face</div><div style="text-align: center;">And I'm right here next to you</div><div style="text-align: center;">But it's like you're gone too soon</div><div style="text-align: center;">Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye</div><div style="text-align: center;">I remember when you used to tuck me in at night</div><div style="text-align: center;">With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight</div><div style="text-align: center;">I thought you were so strong</div><div style="text-align: center;">You'd make it through whatever</div><div style="text-align: center;">It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">But nonetheless, I'm more thankful cause I had that last chance to be hugged by him. His last words for me "paningkamot day (strive and give it your best)". </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Pa, I'm giving it all my best. I'm moving on for our dreams. I'm dreaming big and giving it all for you to be happy and still be proud of me wherever you are. Pa, I'm standing up and standing strong for all of us. I'm being the good daughter you and Mama deserve. I'm being a good citizen and a good person. I'm doing my all so that when we see again, you'll still say "Nak, I'm happy and proud of you". I'm doing my best but there are times like now when I do wish that you're still here or think if only you're still here. But don't worry, I'm strong, I'm good, it's just that ...</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I MISSED YOU</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">a lot</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">x.o.x.o </div><div style="text-align: left;">ROseHYAcinth</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div>ROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-68354008625448920952010-05-14T02:05:00.000+08:002010-05-14T02:05:05.144+08:00PatientlyIn Corinthians, there is a passage about love stating that "<em>love is patient</em>". <br />
<br />
I thought going home would allow me burst all the burdens in my chest to him. I was determined to get explaination, clarification and plans of what will happen next. I was determined to if not end at least start again. But when I saw him, I just realize how he needs me. And all my determination went away with just a hug. I aint selfish and I know seeing him that his going through a lot and I'm half the blame of it, I know. Our distance really has taken it's toll on him and he is just helpless.<br />
<br />
I'm disappointed in me cause I really wanted to settle our differences and the gap but he said, Just a single hug from me will wash all his tears away. He needs me to give him strength, a friend, motivator, a sister. All his lapses, his shortcomings as a boyfriend, I forgot them all. I know, he had many shortcomings to me to the point where I felt he is unworthy of all my love and sacrifices and efforts cause I'm not getting them back. But I do understand him and I choose not to forsake him.<br />
<br />
Now, I'll be patiently understanding him and waiting for him. I know deep inside he loves me, there are just some things or many things we differ but I'll patiently wait until God unveils what's in store for the both of us. I'll patiently wait and while waiting I'll be his friend, his family, his sister. I'll patiently wait until he sees what I see but If I get weary and if this won't happen, I lift it all to HIM.<br />
<br />
Patiently, I will wait until he meets me halfway. <br />
<br />
'til BOY MEETS GIRL.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
ROseHYAcinthROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-40104724459599352632010-03-27T11:24:00.000+08:002010-03-27T11:24:39.739+08:00STOPFive hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure a year? How about 3 years? How about love?<br />
<br />
<br />
I wonder what had happened to us. I thought it was all good but then, maybe I was wrong. Because all we have now is hurting each other. Pride. Blame. Issues that are just carried over and over again. Can't we stop, hurting each other? Making each other cry and breaking each other's heart and worst, tearing each other apart. God knows, I've tried so hard to understand you but I also need to be understood by YOU.<br />
<br />
<br />
I've been holding for so long because I am not that selfish person that will just hang you up in the air. For the most part, I'm thinking of you that's why I'm holding on even wounded and bruised by so many pains this love affair had brought. I don't want to hurt you, to leave you nor abandoned you because you only have me but you are pushing me away. So far away and I'm hurt. So hurt. We don't meet halfway. I'm giving you all the chances in the world, all the chances for you to give me reason to still hold on. Why can't you see? I'm losing my grip and it's all up to you.<br />
<br />
Tell me, when should I stop? When should I let go? When should this pain stop? When should your pain stop? Tell me. Am I gonna stop dreaming for us? Am I gonna stop trying for us? How am I supposed to grow old with you? Being WITH you, does not mean the physical presence so you are wrong in saying Im not with you because I AM. How about you, are you WITH ME?<br />
<br />
When should I STOP fighting? When should I STOP hoping? When should I STOP so that I might MOVE ON? Cause dadi, love just aint enough. SO TELL ME.ROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011214974975972461.post-6365135735051063492010-02-09T04:28:00.001+08:002010-09-17T17:02:55.838+08:00The Warrior is a Child (not a song review)<div style="color: white;">Yes, you read it right: The warrior is a child. This is not a review of the song with the same title but the song is definitely a chunk of this post. I might as well start this one with these lines from that song. </div><div style="color: white;"><br />
</div><div style="color: white; text-align: center;"><i>They don't know that I come running home when I fall down </i></div><div style="color: white; text-align: center;"><i>They don't know who picks me up when no one is around<br />
I drop my sword and cry for just a while<br />
'Cause deep inside this armor<br />
<b>The warrior is a child</b></i></div><div style="color: white; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"></div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"><i>Ever felt very low in your life? </i><b>like you don't belong anywhere??? </b>that somehow you lost track of where you are heading or simply you were just <b>LOST?</b></div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"></div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"><b>I was or rather, I AM.</b></div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"><b> </b></div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"><b> </b><br />
The year started lonely for me.I have to work for the New Year's week as part of my choice not to work during Christmas week. Well, you see, it is either Christmas or New Year. I guess that is just part of life. I chose my break to be during the Christmas week because there are a lot of special family occasions including my 23rd birthday that fall on that period compared to the New Year's and indeed i thought, NO! i knew I made the right choice.</div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;">The long awaited Cebu home visit turned out to be very worth it. All the expenses from plane tickets, to pasalubong, to food trips, to Christmas gifts are just ignorable compared to the feeling of being <b>HOME. </b>That 10-day vacation passed by so fast that I felt, I still have a lot to do but no time at all. I haven't see my college or even high school best friends. That's LIFE, again! Then comes <oh again,="" crying="" gonna="" it="" leave="" ll="" s="" time="" you=""> going back time. Having that far-away look in my eyes but I didnt cry when I saw Mama crying again no matter how many times we've done that. </oh></div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;">When I was back in Manila, it wasnt until I searched for my door keys that I realize I was already in tears. All of a sudden I felt empty. the house is empty, I am alone, it was lonely. That Sunday, Dec 27,2009 I was crying to death. It was like the first time I was away, no, it was way harder than before. All I could do was cry. That feeling of sadness, loneliness, emptiness didnt get off me since then. </div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;">New Year's eve: I was at the office seeing the marvelous fireworks displays of the rich and wealthy villages in the vicinity of Ortigas. From the 32nd floor of our building through our glass window, I saw how the skies being lighted by those fireworks. I called home to let them know I'm okay and I go through it just to not make them worry but my heart deep inside was really crying. It was HARD. IT IS HARD.</div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;">But I am a self-confessed optimistic person so I always get to say to myself, "there's a purpose for everything" like I always do. I belive that GOD has a great plan for me. I am the person that don't dwell too much on the negative. All my life, I've been being strong because a lot and I mean A LOT depends on me. I could not give HOPE when I myself loses hope. I could not give strength when I myself is weak. For all of my life, i am the one giving strength.</div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"> </div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;">Why now? Why do I feel so WEAK? so UNIMPORTANT? so OUT OF PLACE? so LOST? I miss HOME, my comfort zone, the environment where all people baby me. I am BADLY missing HOME and I really don't know how this would go. </div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;"></div><div style="color: white; text-align: left;">Sometimes, I just have to drop my sword and cry for just a while, 'Cause deep inside this armor. <b>The warrior is a child.</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div>ROse HYAcinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08999613658202760597noreply@blogger.com0