hALf bRaiN deAD

I thought I never would have the courage to let you go. I was afraid and I am still afraid of losing you. Yet now, I did it. I'd let you go, set you free. I know I hurt you much but it hurts me too. I know part of this decision is the fear of losing you forever and it breaks my heart to think of it over and over again but my half dead heart and half dead brain are telling me we need to have this and this is the only way to save everything.


I know you don't understand me much now. I know you're thinking I'm unfair because I'm being strong. I know you should be angry at me for not considering the sacrifices you have made. But believe me, everything that you do, all the sacrifices, the wait and everything were just among the many things I thought of in making this decision. And I have appreciate every little thing you did. Everything and THANK YOU.


I don't know how to explain everything. Honestly, I just can't find the appropriate words to tell you to lessen whatever pain i'm causing you. I'M SORRY. It's been quite some time now since i've been thinking about us. The conditions of our heart and turn of events on our situation. I'm still praying for the right words to tell you or explain to you why I am doing this in a way that you'd understand why'd I've done it. I'm looking forward to show you or prove to you, I am right in doing this cause this will make us better.


I really believe that we can conquer this distance, the differences we have because I know we both are faithful to  each other. I trust that our feelings for each other is deeper than love. I've said it before and I'll say it again I had a  vision of you and me together growing old but the indifferences and coldness we have caused by the gap this long distance relationship has brought are making that vision vague. We need to help each other. This is my way of saving what we have and hopefully someday, soon you'll realize that I'm just doing this because I LOVE YOU.


I'm still waiting for the part where boy meets girl, when you meet me halfway, when I meet you halfway...when we grow together and together become better creations of God filled with love and understanding and an unceasing friendship.

Stay on Track: a love letter

It seem so shallow but I'm happy that after 3 years, I've learned something new about you today. I never thought we had that same passion and dreams in photography. That was a surprise. I didn't think you'd remember that I hate teaching. I didn't know you love teaching that much no matter how you try to hate it. I didn't know that you gave importance to your students as well no matter how silly they are. I'd never thought you'd comment how ugly my penmanship is and you really insisted it's ugly (I know).  I never thought you'd share how you laugh at your students wrong grammar (prettied, strangy etc) and that made me laugh too. I didn't expect you could stay up late again talking with me on the phone and I'd missed that. I never even thought that you'd somehow share  your current financial status and how much you hate taxes deduction. I hate it too.


I'd never thought I'd know you more and I want to know you better.


Di,

It feels good to talk to you with no arguments at all. That has been an amazing one hour we've ever had. It feels great to feel like this after the call ended. That wasn't the usual where I end up crying after our talks before. That was just different and I like that.


This could be a start of something new, of something good. We could start over again.We could make this through, me and you. Just keep doing what you are doing now. One more try for the sake of our love.


Let's keep the momentum. I won't lose my grip. Just stay on track. We'll gonna make this through. We can.

love lots,
Mi

I missed you

June 24, 2010 marked the inevitable 3 years since the last time I saw him (alive) - my beloved Papa - because after 12 days of that last glance, he passed away.

Definitely, that was one of the toughest moments in my life and of my family. It was sudden. It was sad. It was hard. When I recieved the news that Friday afternoon when I was about to go to Sto. Niño Church, I broke down and cried. Cried not minding, I was in the pathway of our college campus, not minding of the passers by, not minding of the glances of the curious people around. I really cried it all out. That was really the greatest fear of my life and i thought I couldnt handle that.


On my way home with my brother, I still could not imagine or accept that it was  happening. I tried pinching my skin, slapping my face, tapping my shoulder just to let me woke up from that nightmare. But it was not a bad dream. It was true, the only thing to do was to accept it.

Upon reaching home, with all the neighbors in our frontyard, seeing our relatives in the sala, going to my mother whom i know was the saddest one that time because beside her was the lifeless body of her beloved husband, I let out one look at my father's face. I tried talking to him with my eyes, telling him "wake up Pa, we're not yet there, we've not reach our dreams yet, wake up!". But those eyes will not open anymore, those mouth wont talk anymore, those arms won't hug me anymore and yet I couldn't cry hard enough.

I kissed his hand as a sign that I'll always respect him and hugged him big. But of course that was different. Different than that of 12 days ago where he personally cooked for lunch because I was coming home. Twelve days before that - June 24, 2007- exactly one week after the Father's day celebration that year, that weekend among all other weekends where I go to hometown to visit them. It was different because, I was really looking forward of that hometown-visit weekend as I've not gone home for the past 3 weeks since the school year started and i was not home during Father's day. There was that longingness in me not knowing that was actually my last chance of talking to him or seeing him.

It was not the usual weekend because it is for special occassions only that Papa cooks. His reason was because I was coming home. It was not the usual because he does not hug me to greet me before but that day he greeted me with hug and that is a very big Papa's hug that I know I'll treasure and it's not deletable in my memory. Had I known that it was the last, I could have hugged him back bigger, tighter and longer. I could have said all thank you's and i love you's. Hearing Mariah Carey's "BYE BYE" make me remember him.

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"

Miss you but I try not to cry

As time goes by

And it's true that you've reached a better place

Still I'd give the world to see your face

And I'm right here next to you

But it's like you're gone too soon

Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night

With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight

I thought you were so strong

You'd make it through whatever

It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

But nonetheless, I'm more thankful cause I had that last chance to be hugged by him. His last words for me "paningkamot day (strive and give it your best)".

Pa, I'm giving it all my best. I'm moving on for our dreams. I'm dreaming big and giving it all for you to be happy and still be proud of me wherever you are. Pa, I'm standing up and standing strong for all of us. I'm being the good daughter you and Mama deserve. I'm being a good citizen and a good person. I'm doing my all so that when we see again, you'll still say "Nak, I'm happy and proud of you". I'm doing my best but there are times like now when I do wish that you're still here or think if only you're still here. But don't worry, I'm strong, I'm good, it's just that ...

I MISSED YOU

a lot

x.o.x.o

ROseHYAcinth