Wednesday, August 25, 2010

hALf bRaiN deAD

I thought I never would have the courage to let you go. I was afraid and I am still afraid of losing you. Yet now, I did it. I'd let you go, set you free. I know I hurt you much but it hurts me too. I know part of this decision is the fear of losing you forever and it breaks my heart to think of it over and over again but my half dead heart and half dead brain are telling me we need to have this and this is the only way to save everything.

I know you don't understand me much now. I know you're thinking I'm unfair because I'm being strong. I know you should be angry at me for not considering the sacrifices you have made. But believe me, everything that you do, all the sacrifices, the wait and everything were just among the many things I thought of in making this decision. And I have appreciate every little thing you did. Everything and THANK YOU.

I don't know how to explain everything. Honestly, I just can't find the appropriate words to tell you to lessen whatever pain i'm causing you. I'M SORRY. It's been quite some time now since i've been thinking about us. The conditions of our heart and turn of events on our situation. I'm still praying for the right words to tell you or explain to you why I am doing this in a way that you'd understand why'd I've done it. I'm looking forward to show you or prove to you, I am right in doing this cause this will make us better.

I really believe that we can conquer this distance, the differences we have because I know we both are faithful to  each other. I trust that our feelings for each other is deeper than love. I've said it before and I'll say it again I had a  vision of you and me together growing old but the indifferences and coldness we have caused by the gap this long distance relationship has brought are making that vision vague. We need to help each other. This is my way of saving what we have and hopefully someday, soon you'll realize that I'm just doing this because I LOVE YOU.

I'm still waiting for the part where boy meets girl, when you meet me halfway, when I meet you halfway...when we grow together and together become better creations of God filled with love and understanding and an unceasing friendship.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Stay on Track: a love letter

It seem so shallow but I'm happy that after 3 years, I've learned something new about you today. I never thought we had that same passion and dreams in photography. That was a surprise. I didn't think you'd remember that I hate teaching. I didn't know you love teaching that much no matter how you try to hate it. I didn't know that you gave importance to your students as well no matter how silly they are. I'd never thought you'd comment how ugly my penmanship is and you really insisted it's ugly (I know).  I never thought you'd share how you laugh at your students wrong grammar (prettied, strangy etc) and that made me laugh too. I didn't expect you could stay up late again talking with me on the phone and I'd missed that. I never even thought that you'd somehow share  your current financial status and how much you hate taxes deduction. I hate it too.

I'd never thought I'd know you more and I want to know you better.


It feels good to talk to you with no arguments at all. That has been an amazing one hour we've ever had. It feels great to feel like this after the call ended. That wasn't the usual where I end up crying after our talks before. That was just different and I like that.

This could be a start of something new, of something good. We could start over again.We could make this through, me and you. Just keep doing what you are doing now. One more try for the sake of our love.

Let's keep the momentum. I won't lose my grip. Just stay on track. We'll gonna make this through. We can.

love lots,

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I missed you

June 24, 2010 marked the inevitable 3 years since the last time I saw him (alive) - my beloved Papa - because after 12 days of that last glance, he passed away.

Definitely, that was one of the toughest moments in my life and of my family. It was sudden. It was sad. It was hard. When I recieved the news that Friday afternoon when I was about to go to Sto. NiƱo Church, I broke down and cried. Cried not minding, I was in the pathway of our college campus, not minding of the passers by, not minding of the glances of the curious people around. I really cried it all out. That was really the greatest fear of my life and i thought I couldnt handle that.

On my way home with my brother, I still could not imagine or accept that it was  happening. I tried pinching my skin, slapping my face, tapping my shoulder just to let me woke up from that nightmare. But it was not a bad dream. It was true, the only thing to do was to accept it.

Upon reaching home, with all the neighbors in our frontyard, seeing our relatives in the sala, going to my mother whom i know was the saddest one that time because beside her was the lifeless body of her beloved husband, I let out one look at my father's face. I tried talking to him with my eyes, telling him "wake up Pa, we're not yet there, we've not reach our dreams yet, wake up!". But those eyes will not open anymore, those mouth wont talk anymore, those arms won't hug me anymore and yet I couldn't cry hard enough.

I kissed his hand as a sign that I'll always respect him and hugged him big. But of course that was different. Different than that of 12 days ago where he personally cooked for lunch because I was coming home. Twelve days before that - June 24, 2007- exactly one week after the Father's day celebration that year, that weekend among all other weekends where I go to hometown to visit them. It was different because, I was really looking forward of that hometown-visit weekend as I've not gone home for the past 3 weeks since the school year started and i was not home during Father's day. There was that longingness in me not knowing that was actually my last chance of talking to him or seeing him.

It was not the usual weekend because it is for special occassions only that Papa cooks. His reason was because I was coming home. It was not the usual because he does not hug me to greet me before but that day he greeted me with hug and that is a very big Papa's hug that I know I'll treasure and it's not deletable in my memory. Had I known that it was the last, I could have hugged him back bigger, tighter and longer. I could have said all thank you's and i love you's. Hearing Mariah Carey's "BYE BYE" make me remember him.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And it's true that you've reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye
I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

But nonetheless, I'm more thankful cause I had that last chance to be hugged by him. His last words for me "paningkamot day (strive and give it your best)".

Pa, I'm giving it all my best. I'm moving on for our dreams. I'm dreaming big and giving it all for you to be happy and still be proud of me wherever you are. Pa, I'm standing up and standing strong for all of us. I'm being the good daughter you and Mama deserve. I'm being a good citizen and a good person. I'm doing my all so that when we see again, you'll still say "Nak, I'm happy and proud of you". I'm doing my best but there are times like now when I do wish that you're still here or think if only you're still here. But don't worry, I'm strong, I'm good, it's just that ...


a lot


Friday, May 14, 2010


In Corinthians, there is a passage about love stating that "love is patient".

I thought going home would allow me burst all the burdens in my chest to him. I was determined to get explaination, clarification and plans of what will happen next. I was determined to if not end at least start again. But when I saw him, I just realize how he needs me. And all my determination went away with just a hug. I aint selfish and I know seeing him that his going through a lot and I'm half the blame of it, I know. Our distance really has taken it's toll on him and he is just helpless.

I'm disappointed in me cause I really wanted to settle our differences and the gap but he said, Just a single hug from me will wash all his tears away. He needs me to give him strength, a friend, motivator, a sister. All his lapses, his shortcomings as a boyfriend, I forgot them all. I know, he had many shortcomings to me to the point where I felt he is unworthy of all my love and sacrifices and efforts cause I'm not getting them back. But I do understand him and I choose not to forsake him.

Now, I'll be patiently understanding him and waiting for him. I know deep inside he loves me, there are just some things or many things we differ but I'll patiently wait until God unveils what's in store for the both of us. I'll patiently wait and while waiting I'll be his friend, his family, his sister. I'll patiently wait until he sees what I see but If I get weary and if this won't happen, I lift it all to HIM.

Patiently, I will wait until he meets me halfway.



Saturday, March 27, 2010


Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred  minutes. How do you measure a year? How about 3 years? How about love?

I wonder what had happened to us. I thought it was all good but then, maybe I was wrong. Because all we have now is hurting each other. Pride. Blame. Issues that are just carried over and over again. Can't we stop, hurting each other? Making each other cry and breaking each other's heart and worst, tearing each other apart. God knows, I've tried so hard to understand you but I also need to be understood by YOU.

I've been holding for so long because I am not that selfish person that will just hang you up in the air. For the most part, I'm thinking of you that's why I'm holding on even wounded and bruised by so many pains this love affair had brought. I don't want to hurt you, to leave you nor abandoned you because you only have me but you are pushing me away. So far away and I'm hurt. So hurt. We don't meet halfway. I'm giving you all the chances in the world, all the chances for you to give me reason to still hold on. Why can't you see? I'm losing my grip and it's all up to you.

Tell me, when should I stop? When should I let go? When should this pain stop? When should your pain stop? Tell me. Am I gonna stop dreaming for us? Am I gonna stop trying for us? How am I supposed to grow old with you? Being WITH you, does not mean the physical presence so you are wrong in saying Im not with you because I AM. How about you, are you WITH ME?

When should I STOP fighting? When should I STOP hoping? When should I STOP so that I might MOVE ON? Cause dadi, love just aint enough. SO TELL ME.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Warrior is a Child (not a song review)

Yes, you read it right: The warrior is a child. This is not a review of the song with the same title but the song is definitely a chunk of this post. I might as well start this one with these lines from that song.

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Ever felt very low in your life?  like you don't belong anywhere??? that somehow you lost track of where you are heading or simply you were just LOST?
I was or rather, I AM.

The year started lonely for me.I have to work for the New Year's week as part of my choice not to work during Christmas week. Well, you see, it is either Christmas or New Year. I guess that is just part of life. I chose my break to be during the Christmas week because there are a lot of special family occasions including my 23rd birthday that fall on that period compared to the New Year's and indeed i thought, NO! i knew I made the right choice.

The long awaited Cebu home visit turned out to be very worth it. All the expenses from plane tickets, to pasalubong, to food trips, to Christmas gifts are just ignorable compared to the feeling of being HOME. That 10-day vacation passed by so fast that I felt, I still have a lot to do but no time at all. I haven't see my college or even high school best friends. That's LIFE, again! Then comes going back time. Having that far-away look in my eyes but I didnt cry when I saw Mama crying again no matter how many times we've done that. 

When I was back in Manila, it wasnt until I searched for my door keys that I realize I was already in tears. All of a sudden I felt empty. the house is empty, I am alone, it was lonely. That Sunday, Dec 27,2009 I was crying to death. It was like the first time I was away, no, it was way harder than before. All I could do was cry. That feeling of sadness, loneliness, emptiness didnt get off me since then. 

New Year's eve: I was at the office seeing the marvelous fireworks displays of the rich and wealthy villages in the vicinity of Ortigas. From the 32nd floor of our building through our glass window, I saw how the skies being lighted by those fireworks. I called home to let them know I'm okay and I go through it just to not make them worry but my heart deep inside was really crying. It was HARD. IT IS HARD.

But I am a self-confessed optimistic person so I always get to say to myself, "there's a purpose for everything" like I always do. I belive that GOD has a great plan for me. I am the person that don't dwell too much on the negative. All my life, I've been being strong because a lot and I mean A LOT depends on me. I could not give HOPE when I myself loses hope. I could not give strength when I myself is weak. For all of my life, i am the one giving strength.
Why now? Why do I feel so WEAK? so UNIMPORTANT? so OUT OF PLACE? so LOST? I miss HOME, my comfort zone, the environment where all people baby me. I am BADLY missing HOME and I really don't know how this would go. 
Sometimes, I just have to drop my sword and cry for just a while, 'Cause deep inside this armor. The warrior is a child.