Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I missed you

June 24, 2010 marked the inevitable 3 years since the last time I saw him (alive) - my beloved Papa - because after 12 days of that last glance, he passed away.

Definitely, that was one of the toughest moments in my life and of my family. It was sudden. It was sad. It was hard. When I recieved the news that Friday afternoon when I was about to go to Sto. NiƱo Church, I broke down and cried. Cried not minding, I was in the pathway of our college campus, not minding of the passers by, not minding of the glances of the curious people around. I really cried it all out. That was really the greatest fear of my life and i thought I couldnt handle that.

On my way home with my brother, I still could not imagine or accept that it was  happening. I tried pinching my skin, slapping my face, tapping my shoulder just to let me woke up from that nightmare. But it was not a bad dream. It was true, the only thing to do was to accept it.

Upon reaching home, with all the neighbors in our frontyard, seeing our relatives in the sala, going to my mother whom i know was the saddest one that time because beside her was the lifeless body of her beloved husband, I let out one look at my father's face. I tried talking to him with my eyes, telling him "wake up Pa, we're not yet there, we've not reach our dreams yet, wake up!". But those eyes will not open anymore, those mouth wont talk anymore, those arms won't hug me anymore and yet I couldn't cry hard enough.

I kissed his hand as a sign that I'll always respect him and hugged him big. But of course that was different. Different than that of 12 days ago where he personally cooked for lunch because I was coming home. Twelve days before that - June 24, 2007- exactly one week after the Father's day celebration that year, that weekend among all other weekends where I go to hometown to visit them. It was different because, I was really looking forward of that hometown-visit weekend as I've not gone home for the past 3 weeks since the school year started and i was not home during Father's day. There was that longingness in me not knowing that was actually my last chance of talking to him or seeing him.

It was not the usual weekend because it is for special occassions only that Papa cooks. His reason was because I was coming home. It was not the usual because he does not hug me to greet me before but that day he greeted me with hug and that is a very big Papa's hug that I know I'll treasure and it's not deletable in my memory. Had I known that it was the last, I could have hugged him back bigger, tighter and longer. I could have said all thank you's and i love you's. Hearing Mariah Carey's "BYE BYE" make me remember him.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And it's true that you've reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye
I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

But nonetheless, I'm more thankful cause I had that last chance to be hugged by him. His last words for me "paningkamot day (strive and give it your best)".

Pa, I'm giving it all my best. I'm moving on for our dreams. I'm dreaming big and giving it all for you to be happy and still be proud of me wherever you are. Pa, I'm standing up and standing strong for all of us. I'm being the good daughter you and Mama deserve. I'm being a good citizen and a good person. I'm doing my all so that when we see again, you'll still say "Nak, I'm happy and proud of you". I'm doing my best but there are times like now when I do wish that you're still here or think if only you're still here. But don't worry, I'm strong, I'm good, it's just that ...


a lot