Wednesday, February 8, 2012


In memory of:
Amonio Hortelano Cinco.
Michaela Hortelano Inso.
Narcisa Cinco Tarucan.

Requescant in Pace.

These names above, they are dear to me and they have gone to rest already. Respectively, they are my uncle, aunt and mother. The common thing in them aside from their parents is the reason the die due to heart failure. It's in the family I guess or I believe.

Ti Mony, as how Mama called him, although I have not met him personally has been a dear brother to my mother. I would always remember that every novena we do, Mama never fail to pray for his soul. His family lived in Leyte but I have met my cousins. When he died, Mama together went to Tacloban for the funeral and burial and brought some photos back. That's what I can remember of him. He died of heart attack at 59.

Tiya Guela, she was a teacher. She was the nearest sibling to my mother as they live just one town away from us. I would remember me afraid of her because I thought she was very strict but Mama would always tell me to be close, bless the hands and mingle. I knew as sisters they love each other very much and Mama also treat her children like her own. I remember a photo of me when I was a kid sitting on a chair in Tiya's house. We, cousins have became close to each other too through the years. I went to her funeral and it was attended by a lot of people. She died of heart attack at 59.

Mama Narcing or Ma Asing, she is my beloved mother. The one where I got my looks as people would tell me that I am the carbon copy. She is a simple housewife and took cared of us her 6 children. To be able to help Papa in our livelihood, she opened a Sari-sari store before. She did not finish high school but modesty aside, she was intelligent. She was the one who taught our neighbors many thing. She once became a barangay councilor and a member of the credit committee of the cooperative of our town. She was a cathecist. She is not just the typical mother, she was my friend and a shoulder I could lean on. She was a strong woman who has been through a lot but kept on fighting. She died of heart attack at 59

I promised Mama, we would prepare a big celebration for her debut (60th birthday) on October 29, 2012. I know she was excited about this. I know she was fighting just to reach that milestone. I was excited for her too because that would mean she would break the record of her other 2 elder siblings who both died at 59.
But she did not made it, she did not fail I'm sure. It's that,her journey was made only until 59.

SAD! It is sad. we were almost there and she was okay or we thought she was. On her deathbed, she didn't even call for help. Not from any of her 6 children. That's how she loved us. She and Papa (at 54) died not on our sight. Not with the pain of seeing them in their last breathes. It is pain of missing them and not being able to do the things we wanna do together and not being able to see what I still could become and I don't know for how long this pain will be here but their memories. The memories of them lives in me, in all the people the have touched and the values they taught and their legacy lives on.

I do not know if I'd be able to reach 59 but I'll continue the journey until the day we'll see each other again in heaven and we'll be together again.
Lastly, Kudos to all of you for a job well done on earth.

Also in the loving memory of:
Maria Hortelano Cinco (Lola Biyay)
Fidel Gregorio Perez Cinco (Lolo Gorio)
Benita Gulben Tarucan (Lola Benita)
Rogato Maupo Tarucan (Lolo Gatong)
Cresenciano Gulben Tarucan (Papa Ciano)


I Dreamt of Yazi

It was only after the 13th day after Mama passed away that I was able to have a glimpse of her. I did not have any hint or clue or feeling that on the 25th of January 2012, she will leave us. I wanted to see her as soon as I knew about it. I wanted to feel her, even just her soul. I wanted to hug her once more even just in a dream or even just in my hallucinations but no.

At her wake, I almost didn't sleep waiting for her to appear and tell me everything will be fine and she is happy but still I couldnt feel her not even a single goosebump, not even in the wind or the scents of the people passing by. Oh how much I miss her, it makes me wanna cry more but no I can't cry hard enough.

Even at the last glance of her dead body, I was hoping she would talk to me but no even up to the moment where we have bury her just right beside Papa's tomb where she always wanted to be. I know she is in a happier place and away from all the pain and suffering but we still have lots of dreams together. Oh Mama, I love you so much. I'm gonna miss you.I'm hoping and praying that finally you and Papa have met in heaven.

On the 7th of February or the 13th day after her passing away, I had this dream. It was not about her but she was there. It was about Yazi - a baby girl in my dream. That baby was mine, my own daughter. I was carrying Yazi. We were on a shed with some people and Mama was one in them. Then, a man asked "Where did Yazi got her looks?" Before, I was able to answer, Mama said "Can't you see her forehead, isn't it just like mine?" and everyone nodded as if to agree.

I really don't know how to interpret the dream. May it be Mama's way of telling me that she will always be around for me til forever. And what does baby Yazi mean? I really don't know.

Maybe it was her assurance to me, that whatever will be, she is always with me. I actually tried looking thru the internet the meaning of the name Yazi and here's few of the few I found:
  • The name of Yazi gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature. 
  • You prefer to be alone with your own thoughts, rather than in the company of others. 
  • This name restricts spontaneity in association and the fluency of your verbal expression. 
  • When you are required to express yourself in personal matters requiring finesse and diplomacy, you feel awkward and embarrassed. 
  • Although you realize perfectly well what is expected of you, you are unable to find the right words, and hence you end up saying something inappropriate in a candid way. 
  • You can express your deeper thoughts and feelings best through writing.
  • While the name Yazi creates the urge to be creative, independent and original, we point out that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a tendency to be moody.

The one thing I'm sure of right now is that if I'd be given a daughter one day, I will name her Rose Hyacinth just like my blog name and I shall call her "Yazi" and when she gets old she will be called Azing or Asing just like her Lola (my Mama Asing).



I wanted to write all of these out from me until I'm drained. I really don't know how to describe my state as of the moment. I'm BLANK. Floating? Empty? Lost!

Everything seems to be vague. I am frozen. I miss her so much, my inspiration, motivator, bestfriend, textmate, mother. The wind beneath my wings.

I still could not believe she's gone now but I accept she is and understand she is in good Hands now.

It's just that I don't know where to start again.

Beloved Mama,

You will always be the wind that will let me fly. I know someday I'll regain that strength and soar high. But now this is my cry, i miss you, i love you even if you could not hear these words anymore. I'm gonna love you til the end and I will never ever forget to remember you. You - the wind beneath my wings.