Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Warrior is a Child (not a song review)

Yes, you read it right: The warrior is a child. This is not a review of the song with the same title but the song is definitely a chunk of this post. I might as well start this one with these lines from that song.

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Ever felt very low in your life?  like you don't belong anywhere??? that somehow you lost track of where you are heading or simply you were just LOST?
I was or rather, I AM.

The year started lonely for me.I have to work for the New Year's week as part of my choice not to work during Christmas week. Well, you see, it is either Christmas or New Year. I guess that is just part of life. I chose my break to be during the Christmas week because there are a lot of special family occasions including my 23rd birthday that fall on that period compared to the New Year's and indeed i thought, NO! i knew I made the right choice.

The long awaited Cebu home visit turned out to be very worth it. All the expenses from plane tickets, to pasalubong, to food trips, to Christmas gifts are just ignorable compared to the feeling of being HOME. That 10-day vacation passed by so fast that I felt, I still have a lot to do but no time at all. I haven't see my college or even high school best friends. That's LIFE, again! Then comes going back time. Having that far-away look in my eyes but I didnt cry when I saw Mama crying again no matter how many times we've done that. 

When I was back in Manila, it wasnt until I searched for my door keys that I realize I was already in tears. All of a sudden I felt empty. the house is empty, I am alone, it was lonely. That Sunday, Dec 27,2009 I was crying to death. It was like the first time I was away, no, it was way harder than before. All I could do was cry. That feeling of sadness, loneliness, emptiness didnt get off me since then. 

New Year's eve: I was at the office seeing the marvelous fireworks displays of the rich and wealthy villages in the vicinity of Ortigas. From the 32nd floor of our building through our glass window, I saw how the skies being lighted by those fireworks. I called home to let them know I'm okay and I go through it just to not make them worry but my heart deep inside was really crying. It was HARD. IT IS HARD.

But I am a self-confessed optimistic person so I always get to say to myself, "there's a purpose for everything" like I always do. I belive that GOD has a great plan for me. I am the person that don't dwell too much on the negative. All my life, I've been being strong because a lot and I mean A LOT depends on me. I could not give HOPE when I myself loses hope. I could not give strength when I myself is weak. For all of my life, i am the one giving strength.
Why now? Why do I feel so WEAK? so UNIMPORTANT? so OUT OF PLACE? so LOST? I miss HOME, my comfort zone, the environment where all people baby me. I am BADLY missing HOME and I really don't know how this would go. 
Sometimes, I just have to drop my sword and cry for just a while, 'Cause deep inside this armor. The warrior is a child.